The Shelf

 One day I will tell the origin story. Today I need a release.

I  lost someone, well many someones honestly. But, in this case, someone I thought would come back.  I had hope that maybe, if I sent them interesting photos and offered insight into my world, it would be easy to realize what we both were missing.  We will call this person NYKFan.

Sadly, my hope was misplaced.

However, I have so much to say and nowhere to sit it.  This will become my shelf. 

I took up crochet to help with this middle age depression and anxiety I have acquired. Most days it helps, but, today it seems to be on high alert. I am working on a Turkey amigurumi to give to GIFT after the Turkey Trot tomorrow. I couldn't find brown yarn so I am using this cream multicolored yarn. All the paper around is my other great love, the law. 

I have been in a tissy for 2 days now. I am looking for some peace and centering. For years now, I have recognized the loss I have suffered and have attempted to work myself back.  However, this hole in my life just continued to grow and get deeper.   I reached out and asked NYKFan can it be fixed, was there any appetite for even consider it. I got a yeah, maybe, NYKFan was working through things and needed some time. Perhaps I should have known this meant there was someone else...

I just want to call NYKFan and beg them to pick me. Promise we can make this work. Swear I will give all that I have to figure this out.  Unfortunately, I can't do it. All that I have is no longer mine. I now have GIFT.  The remainder of me is full of embarrassment and it won't let me do it. 

Everything has crumbled in in my hands. I am not a religious person. I don't pray very much, another long story we can get into later.  I cried and prayed everyday to help me fix it.  The other day I was on Facebook and this video came on with a guy talking about how our prayers are like turkeys.  God may not be saying no, he is just saying everything is not ready. Like the turkey for Thanksgiving we buy from the store, it still needs to be seasoned, baked, and basted.  Maybe God is telling us we aren't ready.  I really took this as a message.  Like while I am waiting, I need to get myself prepared to be the best partner for NYKFan. 

But the truth is, I was not wanted. 

Sigh.